I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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