the condom got lost in my hair
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
