Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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