Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
