I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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