Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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