a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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