Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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