i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
