stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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