Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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