Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
