what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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