I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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