My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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