Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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