Don't make out with my wife yet
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
