My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
