I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
