i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
