My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
