I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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