you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
