I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
