doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
