I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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