Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize