I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
FUCK WHALES
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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