I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
