My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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