did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
