my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
