i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my being single is dangerous.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
