Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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