if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
