I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize