I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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