I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
