I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
