I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
