Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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