Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
