I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
someone owes me an orgasm
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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