when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i need some magic done to my vagina
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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