he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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