I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
