I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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