I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
