why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Houston, we have a blender
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
