literally had 100 drinks last night.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
