i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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