The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
