What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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