I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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