my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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