I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
