Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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