Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
